因为被呵护惯了...
Well. It's been eventful. In terms of emotions and events. I had a chain of birthday celebrations. The feeling of being pampered was awesome. Pampered by family, Godma, Samuel and friends. I thought through quite a bit, feeling lonely sometimes and having no friends. Feeling ostracized, outcasted and stuff. Then I realized quality vs quantity. All I need are those who really cares. Just a few will do.
Good times doesn't last...
Few days passed like this and I haven't got enough of them. I didn't want the attention, the endless chats, the jokes and everything to feel so far away. But... Reality is cruel, isn't it? It's a matter of accepting and getting used to it despite my reluctance. There's much I can do and I believe it's just me. After all these while and all the repeated negative feelings and stuff, I learn that it doesn't matter. It's best keeping in, sucking thumb and pretend nothing happens because it will still remain the same.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Kill me nao.
Sigh. One of the worse separation anxieties. Well... What can I do? Why don't you tell me what to do. It's so painful. It's such long wait. It's so tiring. I'm worn out, everything is tearing me apart. The weird tummy, sore nipples and all other crap. Stressful module with pressurizing lecturer. New group mates. It's just so much. It's so overwhelming.
I waited for so many days just to see him. I finally got to see him today. It felt like I waited for years even though its just four days. The time we had together seems so short. I'm sorry because I can't control myself. I'm sorry for making everything so tired. I want to kill myself because everything seems so hard and terrible. Both mentally and physically drained.
I don't want to be that understanding sometimes. It's hard to be so strong. And I know life is going to throw more shit into my face. So, in general, fuck my bloody life. I want to kill myself. I really want to. I don't want to go through any of these anymore. I'm not good with byes, and what sort of shit goodbye. There's no such things as goodbye. Bloody hell.
Ah welll. what to do?! I'm so bloody frustrated. I don't know how to handle myself. I can't control. Urgh. Bloody shitty screwed up life. I don't want any hellos anymore. The byes are too hurtful. I can't handle anymore.
I waited for so many days just to see him. I finally got to see him today. It felt like I waited for years even though its just four days. The time we had together seems so short. I'm sorry because I can't control myself. I'm sorry for making everything so tired. I want to kill myself because everything seems so hard and terrible. Both mentally and physically drained.
I don't want to be that understanding sometimes. It's hard to be so strong. And I know life is going to throw more shit into my face. So, in general, fuck my bloody life. I want to kill myself. I really want to. I don't want to go through any of these anymore. I'm not good with byes, and what sort of shit goodbye. There's no such things as goodbye. Bloody hell.
Ah welll. what to do?! I'm so bloody frustrated. I don't know how to handle myself. I can't control. Urgh. Bloody shitty screwed up life. I don't want any hellos anymore. The byes are too hurtful. I can't handle anymore.
Monday, February 11, 2013
CNY.
I always dread CNY. It's a waste of time, having to greet people whom you see only once a year and they always ask about your results just so that they can show off.
The first day was shit ballz. Going back to Faith for service was the first bad thing. I got to see those people with that kind of eyesights and the messages they convey. Ya, they got the I look down on you and why are you here when you left look. The sermon was bad, and the preacher is so loud, my eyes was almost rotting. What else? To paternal grandma's place. We were the first because my parents insisted going to the 8.30am service which made me wake up so bloody early on a holiday. We did nothing, just a bit of catching up with a few close cousins. And my dad played mahjong. Wow. What a good Christian testimony and role model as father. I was angry. But I kept quiet unlike the past years. Then we went to my great grand uncle's place and lastly my maternal grandma's place. Relatives spoiling the mood here and there. It's going to be never ending if I go on grumbling. In a nut shell, I had a bloody angst spoilt day one.
Second day was not too bad. Slept in and went to my bf's place. Slacked the whole day off and went to auntie Veron's place after that. Got a culture shock there. Too many people. Out of my comfort zone. Too scary. The day didn't end that well. Went back late and I couldn't find my keys. Had to call mum to open the door for me. I knew I was going to get it. Kept quiet and cried to sleep. I cried in fear. I don't know what's wrong.
Today started badly. I woke up with a bad mood. I don't even know why. I didn't know how to explain. Sorry Samuel. I'm crying silently. No one cares anyways. Sigh.
The first day was shit ballz. Going back to Faith for service was the first bad thing. I got to see those people with that kind of eyesights and the messages they convey. Ya, they got the I look down on you and why are you here when you left look. The sermon was bad, and the preacher is so loud, my eyes was almost rotting. What else? To paternal grandma's place. We were the first because my parents insisted going to the 8.30am service which made me wake up so bloody early on a holiday. We did nothing, just a bit of catching up with a few close cousins. And my dad played mahjong. Wow. What a good Christian testimony and role model as father. I was angry. But I kept quiet unlike the past years. Then we went to my great grand uncle's place and lastly my maternal grandma's place. Relatives spoiling the mood here and there. It's going to be never ending if I go on grumbling. In a nut shell, I had a bloody angst spoilt day one.
Second day was not too bad. Slept in and went to my bf's place. Slacked the whole day off and went to auntie Veron's place after that. Got a culture shock there. Too many people. Out of my comfort zone. Too scary. The day didn't end that well. Went back late and I couldn't find my keys. Had to call mum to open the door for me. I knew I was going to get it. Kept quiet and cried to sleep. I cried in fear. I don't know what's wrong.
Today started badly. I woke up with a bad mood. I don't even know why. I didn't know how to explain. Sorry Samuel. I'm crying silently. No one cares anyways. Sigh.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I got the urge to kill.
I'll kill my father one day, just one day when I cannot take it anymore.
What did I do to get this? I just came home from my appointment at the polyclinic to get my x-ray report. Totally turned off to know that my dad is home. That lazy fucked ass. I did nothing, I didn't even go into the room or whatsoever. I stayed in the living room doing my own stuff.
Suddenly, he came out from the room and told me to eat medicine. I believed its because he heard me sneezing a few times or something. I answered with my usual, no. And he started screaming at me. Saying that I spend the most money going to the doctor and stuff I said I didn't even go to the doctor for the flu. Well. I didn't even let him know I went to the polyclinic. And then I got cursed for 15 minutes with his loud screaming. I hate him. I swear I hate him. He's a bloody useless father who thinks he has the rights to scream at anyone and he is forever correct.
It was his fault to give birth to me okay. It was his fault to bring me I the world. And I was so sickly from the day I was born. It was his bloody fault. I'll kick his balls, chop his penis and hope he falls as sick as me, as often as me to see how will he feel. He never understands how I feel. He has never stood in my shoes. I hate him. I swear I hate him.
What did I do to get this? I just came home from my appointment at the polyclinic to get my x-ray report. Totally turned off to know that my dad is home. That lazy fucked ass. I did nothing, I didn't even go into the room or whatsoever. I stayed in the living room doing my own stuff.
Suddenly, he came out from the room and told me to eat medicine. I believed its because he heard me sneezing a few times or something. I answered with my usual, no. And he started screaming at me. Saying that I spend the most money going to the doctor and stuff I said I didn't even go to the doctor for the flu. Well. I didn't even let him know I went to the polyclinic. And then I got cursed for 15 minutes with his loud screaming. I hate him. I swear I hate him. He's a bloody useless father who thinks he has the rights to scream at anyone and he is forever correct.
It was his fault to give birth to me okay. It was his fault to bring me I the world. And I was so sickly from the day I was born. It was his bloody fault. I'll kick his balls, chop his penis and hope he falls as sick as me, as often as me to see how will he feel. He never understands how I feel. He has never stood in my shoes. I hate him. I swear I hate him.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Disappointed.
When can I learn to not carry hope in anyone but God? When will I learn how to not trust anyone? When will I stop taking their promises seriously?
Well... I'm disappointed in my father most. He only thinks for himself and when we disagree with him, he would say that we're all self-centered and don't put ourselves in his shoes. He's a father who never bothers buying gifts to reward, never bothers driving you anywhere unless you plead him many days before even though he has the taxi to himself. He's a father who has time to come out with all sort of excuses to sleep for hours and not go to work, but will never give the time to you. He's a father who doesn't keep up to his promises and act blur, telling you it's not within his ability. You can't do it, then you jolly well don't promise, no? What more its just an excuse.
This year has a few events which I was looking forward too. Yes, graduation. My sister and I are graduating this year and so, my parents promised a family trip to somewhere. Then my dad'd fellowship is planning to go hai nan dao this June which I most probably can't due to school. He started saying oh that bloody brainless Lao Shi is planning to go Vietnam for mission, he's planning to go for breakthrough's family camp this year end. Just because that bloody Lao Shi plans, he just follow blindly. Then what? What about his family? Us? Me? His promise? Our family trip? Yes, I agree that my family financial status will not allow us to go so many places in a year. Then why can't he give up one of those things that Lao Shi planned. He's just so inflexible. He follows blindly and the best thing is Lao shi's plan is always sucky.
Oh yes. Bye to the family trip. I'll just die here, stressed up without any breaks. They just won't allow me to go to any short trips like even Bangkok because he doesn't want to go and I am not allowed to go alone while my sister can get tickets to anywhere, as long as she likes it, she can go anywhere on her own.
All my daddy/parents care is my sister and playing the bloody iPad jackpot game. How vexing it is to be out with them and all they talk about is my sister? Just because I put in the effort to find time for them, I can be neglected. Or is it because I'm never good enough as compared to my sister, I can't make them as proud in terms of results?
I'm really tired in this house. I put up a strong front which leads to this? No one sees my world, what's true in my heart and what I always yearn for.
Well... I'm disappointed in my father most. He only thinks for himself and when we disagree with him, he would say that we're all self-centered and don't put ourselves in his shoes. He's a father who never bothers buying gifts to reward, never bothers driving you anywhere unless you plead him many days before even though he has the taxi to himself. He's a father who has time to come out with all sort of excuses to sleep for hours and not go to work, but will never give the time to you. He's a father who doesn't keep up to his promises and act blur, telling you it's not within his ability. You can't do it, then you jolly well don't promise, no? What more its just an excuse.
This year has a few events which I was looking forward too. Yes, graduation. My sister and I are graduating this year and so, my parents promised a family trip to somewhere. Then my dad'd fellowship is planning to go hai nan dao this June which I most probably can't due to school. He started saying oh that bloody brainless Lao Shi is planning to go Vietnam for mission, he's planning to go for breakthrough's family camp this year end. Just because that bloody Lao Shi plans, he just follow blindly. Then what? What about his family? Us? Me? His promise? Our family trip? Yes, I agree that my family financial status will not allow us to go so many places in a year. Then why can't he give up one of those things that Lao Shi planned. He's just so inflexible. He follows blindly and the best thing is Lao shi's plan is always sucky.
Oh yes. Bye to the family trip. I'll just die here, stressed up without any breaks. They just won't allow me to go to any short trips like even Bangkok because he doesn't want to go and I am not allowed to go alone while my sister can get tickets to anywhere, as long as she likes it, she can go anywhere on her own.
All my daddy/parents care is my sister and playing the bloody iPad jackpot game. How vexing it is to be out with them and all they talk about is my sister? Just because I put in the effort to find time for them, I can be neglected. Or is it because I'm never good enough as compared to my sister, I can't make them as proud in terms of results?
I'm really tired in this house. I put up a strong front which leads to this? No one sees my world, what's true in my heart and what I always yearn for.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Anxiety
It's been the tough week. I'm fighting with myself and for myself. My hormones got me crazy. Anxiety issues. I almost killed myself.
Well. Monday was terrible. A terrible fight with my darling boy. Because we had miscommunications. I gave him shit loads of things because of my high-maintenance needs and I just couldn't overcome my own emotions. I felt so tire. I cried the hell out of me. I was so glad he communicated with me and came over. I cannot describe the feelings through word. It was the worst I've ever felt.
Ever since Monday, I haven't been doing well. I cried every single day. Feeling insecure and fearful. It was tough on my darling boy. He was by my side all these while, though not physically. He was assuring. He's so wonderful.
Menstruation came. With a bad cramp. My ovaries felt like they were exploding. Sigh. Thank God that presentation went well on Friday. We got full marks.
Sunday. Well. Pressurized. Pianist for Sunday school and the teacher forgot that she was leading the songs. She only gave me the songs like 1.40am. I couldn't practice at that timing. I went in by faith. Thank God it wasn't too bad. I then decided to crash the youth choir to see their progress. They were good for their standards but I thought I could help them a little to sound good, with my choir experience. I thought I was doing good but I made a mistake by doing so. I felt extra and I offended many because I'm not part of them and yet talk so much. Sigh. Just me being too sensitive or I really did wrong? I shouldn't be so helpful anymore.
It was also pressurizing with my darling's brother. He is so ego-centric and he doesn't understand lots of things. He just thinks that he's correct and Its so difficult to love him. I'm still struggling, trying and praying for this. He has comments in everything and he cannot be wrong. He flared up at his mother and his mother was saying that she thinks he has some disorder and stuff. I was explaining to her that I don't think it's a disorder and stuff, and he just assumes that we're talking bad about him. Well. He gave me a rude stare, I felt like slapping him but controlled. I guess no one else knew. It's just about sucking thumb when it comes to him. His mother shared that she cannt stand him and how pressurized she is because he cannot control his anger and stuff. Sigh.
Well. Monday was terrible. A terrible fight with my darling boy. Because we had miscommunications. I gave him shit loads of things because of my high-maintenance needs and I just couldn't overcome my own emotions. I felt so tire. I cried the hell out of me. I was so glad he communicated with me and came over. I cannot describe the feelings through word. It was the worst I've ever felt.
Ever since Monday, I haven't been doing well. I cried every single day. Feeling insecure and fearful. It was tough on my darling boy. He was by my side all these while, though not physically. He was assuring. He's so wonderful.
Menstruation came. With a bad cramp. My ovaries felt like they were exploding. Sigh. Thank God that presentation went well on Friday. We got full marks.
Sunday. Well. Pressurized. Pianist for Sunday school and the teacher forgot that she was leading the songs. She only gave me the songs like 1.40am. I couldn't practice at that timing. I went in by faith. Thank God it wasn't too bad. I then decided to crash the youth choir to see their progress. They were good for their standards but I thought I could help them a little to sound good, with my choir experience. I thought I was doing good but I made a mistake by doing so. I felt extra and I offended many because I'm not part of them and yet talk so much. Sigh. Just me being too sensitive or I really did wrong? I shouldn't be so helpful anymore.
It was also pressurizing with my darling's brother. He is so ego-centric and he doesn't understand lots of things. He just thinks that he's correct and Its so difficult to love him. I'm still struggling, trying and praying for this. He has comments in everything and he cannot be wrong. He flared up at his mother and his mother was saying that she thinks he has some disorder and stuff. I was explaining to her that I don't think it's a disorder and stuff, and he just assumes that we're talking bad about him. Well. He gave me a rude stare, I felt like slapping him but controlled. I guess no one else knew. It's just about sucking thumb when it comes to him. His mother shared that she cannt stand him and how pressurized she is because he cannot control his anger and stuff. Sigh.
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