LOVE

I've decided to get into a relationship.
I'm in love with this boy whom I didn't dare to love for the past few years. He finally proposed, and I agreed. Well.. No words can express my feelings. I believe I won't feel so empty anymore.

I'm planting our relationship on Christ's love. His words as our foundation, guide and suppose. I thank Him for putting this lovely boy in my life. :)

Screwed.Up.

I lost control of my own emotions why I saw the message from MOE. What a way to start the day. I didn't get into ECH, NP. I sort of expected it, but I couldn't help to feel disappointed. I cried so loudly, like a kid. I got so frustrated, why can't I control my life fully and get what I want. My mum got so worried, she thought I might commit suicide and she took urgent halfday leave. I'm so glad she was there to help me, we rushed down to SEED Institute to do my application immediately. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping that I got it.

The day felt so long when it was only afternoon. I had no mood for anything, but I had to drag myself out because I met Ashley and Samuel. I was still pretty worried, like how awkward will things turn out. I put on a fake mask, and smiled my way to NP, the place that causes the wound today. Ashley forgot that she was suppose to have some family thingy and pangseh-ed Sam and I. I was secretly smiling inside (The first good thing that happened.). Well. He seemed to be avoiding me previously, and I miss talking to a nice friend, or maybe i do feel something for me? I don't know. But I've sek, and I myself is confused. I wonder if Sek is just a shelter for me to go to when I need someone.

He asked if I cried, he realized my eyes were swollen. At that point of time, I was touched, I was holding my tears in, I swear I tried really hard, I almost died holding in. I took the advantage to lean on him during our movie. I needed some comfort.

iCried

iCried.
I thought I ran out of tears because I cried for the past 5 days, but I couldn't help but to burst into tears when I looked at my results.
I don't know how to face myself anymore....

O Levels Results

Well.. Results are going to be released tomorrow. I am feeling very negative about it.
I must be crazy. I cried about it for the past 5 days, telling my mother how fearful I am, I just can't bring myself to face the results, to face myself.

Let me tell you how much I hate the education system in Singapore. Firstly, I'm forced to take the exams. Secondly, I'm forced to face the results I get. Thirdly, I've to be defined by the results. Oh look, LOOK, it's so unfair, isn't it? I'm going to be labelled as 'useless', 'stupid' and all other negative words because I won't do well. I'm never good in exams, and that's it. FML.

BYE. ):

每个人都是生命力的过客，他们不能永远在我们的生命力出现.就算是最亲爱的人，父母，还是朋友，他们都会因为一些原因而离我们而去.世上没不散筵席，事情重会过去.不要因他们的离开而感到沮丧，因为我们曾经拥有，那就已经够了.虽然都已成了’历史’,但我满足,因为至少有这个会议藏在我心里.

We talked.

Samuel finally came to talk to me. Like yay. Sad thing is, I thought I could pull him to Chin Lein for this year's youth arise conference with him. Brings back memories eh, the place where we met each other through the awkward situation. Well. I miss him. He said he is going to Taiwan and he wished me merry christmas and happy new year in advance. How to be merry and happy when he isn't around, I thought. I kept the thought to myself, and asked him to have fun. Well... How fake can I be. I wanted to ask him if I can tag along. Haah. Dream on....

Post-exams?

I guess everyone is enjoying themselves because we're done with our O levels. I'm an exception. I'm lonely, I'm feeling empty, I have no one to talk to or go out with. Then again, I'm missing Samuel. When is he going to talk to me again? I remembered how we sneaked talking to each other the whole night and forgot about sleeping. I remembered the romantic skype time when he played the guitar and sang for me. He isn't mine, but why I am still expecting all these from him? I must be insane.

Back to the point, o levels. Well, I am not enjoying. I'm having this conflict, internal conflict. Preparing for the papers is a chore, doing the papers is stressful, getting the results is worse than anything else. I'm actually worrying about things that will happen 2-3 months later. I am totally insane.