Sigh. One of the worse separation anxieties. Well... What can I do? Why don't you tell me what to do. It's so painful. It's such long wait. It's so tiring. I'm worn out, everything is tearing me apart. The weird tummy, sore nipples and all other crap. Stressful module with pressurizing lecturer. New group mates. It's just so much. It's so overwhelming.
I waited for so many days just to see him. I finally got to see him today. It felt like I waited for years even though its just four days. The time we had together seems so short. I'm sorry because I can't control myself. I'm sorry for making everything so tired. I want to kill myself because everything seems so hard and terrible. Both mentally and physically drained.
I don't want to be that understanding sometimes. It's hard to be so strong. And I know life is going to throw more shit into my face. So, in general, fuck my bloody life. I want to kill myself. I really want to. I don't want to go through any of these anymore. I'm not good with byes, and what sort of shit goodbye. There's no such things as goodbye. Bloody hell.
Ah welll. what to do?! I'm so bloody frustrated. I don't know how to handle myself. I can't control. Urgh. Bloody shitty screwed up life. I don't want any hellos anymore. The byes are too hurtful. I can't handle anymore.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
CNY.
I always dread CNY. It's a waste of time, having to greet people whom you see only once a year and they always ask about your results just so that they can show off.
The first day was shit ballz. Going back to Faith for service was the first bad thing. I got to see those people with that kind of eyesights and the messages they convey. Ya, they got the I look down on you and why are you here when you left look. The sermon was bad, and the preacher is so loud, my eyes was almost rotting. What else? To paternal grandma's place. We were the first because my parents insisted going to the 8.30am service which made me wake up so bloody early on a holiday. We did nothing, just a bit of catching up with a few close cousins. And my dad played mahjong. Wow. What a good Christian testimony and role model as father. I was angry. But I kept quiet unlike the past years. Then we went to my great grand uncle's place and lastly my maternal grandma's place. Relatives spoiling the mood here and there. It's going to be never ending if I go on grumbling. In a nut shell, I had a bloody angst spoilt day one.
Second day was not too bad. Slept in and went to my bf's place. Slacked the whole day off and went to auntie Veron's place after that. Got a culture shock there. Too many people. Out of my comfort zone. Too scary. The day didn't end that well. Went back late and I couldn't find my keys. Had to call mum to open the door for me. I knew I was going to get it. Kept quiet and cried to sleep. I cried in fear. I don't know what's wrong.
Today started badly. I woke up with a bad mood. I don't even know why. I didn't know how to explain. Sorry Samuel. I'm crying silently. No one cares anyways. Sigh.
The first day was shit ballz. Going back to Faith for service was the first bad thing. I got to see those people with that kind of eyesights and the messages they convey. Ya, they got the I look down on you and why are you here when you left look. The sermon was bad, and the preacher is so loud, my eyes was almost rotting. What else? To paternal grandma's place. We were the first because my parents insisted going to the 8.30am service which made me wake up so bloody early on a holiday. We did nothing, just a bit of catching up with a few close cousins. And my dad played mahjong. Wow. What a good Christian testimony and role model as father. I was angry. But I kept quiet unlike the past years. Then we went to my great grand uncle's place and lastly my maternal grandma's place. Relatives spoiling the mood here and there. It's going to be never ending if I go on grumbling. In a nut shell, I had a bloody angst spoilt day one.
Second day was not too bad. Slept in and went to my bf's place. Slacked the whole day off and went to auntie Veron's place after that. Got a culture shock there. Too many people. Out of my comfort zone. Too scary. The day didn't end that well. Went back late and I couldn't find my keys. Had to call mum to open the door for me. I knew I was going to get it. Kept quiet and cried to sleep. I cried in fear. I don't know what's wrong.
Today started badly. I woke up with a bad mood. I don't even know why. I didn't know how to explain. Sorry Samuel. I'm crying silently. No one cares anyways. Sigh.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I got the urge to kill.
I'll kill my father one day, just one day when I cannot take it anymore.
What did I do to get this? I just came home from my appointment at the polyclinic to get my x-ray report. Totally turned off to know that my dad is home. That lazy fucked ass. I did nothing, I didn't even go into the room or whatsoever. I stayed in the living room doing my own stuff.
Suddenly, he came out from the room and told me to eat medicine. I believed its because he heard me sneezing a few times or something. I answered with my usual, no. And he started screaming at me. Saying that I spend the most money going to the doctor and stuff I said I didn't even go to the doctor for the flu. Well. I didn't even let him know I went to the polyclinic. And then I got cursed for 15 minutes with his loud screaming. I hate him. I swear I hate him. He's a bloody useless father who thinks he has the rights to scream at anyone and he is forever correct.
It was his fault to give birth to me okay. It was his fault to bring me I the world. And I was so sickly from the day I was born. It was his bloody fault. I'll kick his balls, chop his penis and hope he falls as sick as me, as often as me to see how will he feel. He never understands how I feel. He has never stood in my shoes. I hate him. I swear I hate him.
What did I do to get this? I just came home from my appointment at the polyclinic to get my x-ray report. Totally turned off to know that my dad is home. That lazy fucked ass. I did nothing, I didn't even go into the room or whatsoever. I stayed in the living room doing my own stuff.
Suddenly, he came out from the room and told me to eat medicine. I believed its because he heard me sneezing a few times or something. I answered with my usual, no. And he started screaming at me. Saying that I spend the most money going to the doctor and stuff I said I didn't even go to the doctor for the flu. Well. I didn't even let him know I went to the polyclinic. And then I got cursed for 15 minutes with his loud screaming. I hate him. I swear I hate him. He's a bloody useless father who thinks he has the rights to scream at anyone and he is forever correct.
It was his fault to give birth to me okay. It was his fault to bring me I the world. And I was so sickly from the day I was born. It was his bloody fault. I'll kick his balls, chop his penis and hope he falls as sick as me, as often as me to see how will he feel. He never understands how I feel. He has never stood in my shoes. I hate him. I swear I hate him.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
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