Pampered

因为被呵护惯了...
Well. It's been eventful. In terms of emotions and events. I had a chain of birthday celebrations. The feeling of being pampered was awesome. Pampered by family, Godma, Samuel and friends. I thought through quite a bit, feeling lonely sometimes and having no friends. Feeling ostracized, outcasted and stuff. Then I realized quality vs quantity. All I need are those who really cares. Just a few will do.

Good times doesn't last...
Few days passed like this and I haven't got enough of them. I didn't want the attention, the endless chats, the jokes and everything to feel so far away. But... Reality is cruel, isn't it? It's a matter of accepting and getting used to it despite my reluctance. There's much I can do and I believe it's just me. After all these while and all the repeated negative feelings and stuff, I learn that it doesn't matter. It's best keeping in, sucking thumb and pretend nothing happens because it will still remain the same.

Kill me nao.

Sigh. One of the worse separation anxieties. Well... What can I do? Why don't you tell me what to do. It's so painful. It's such long wait. It's so tiring. I'm worn out, everything is tearing me apart. The weird tummy, sore nipples and all other crap. Stressful module with pressurizing lecturer. New group mates. It's just so much. It's so overwhelming.

I waited for so many days just to see him. I finally got to see him today. It felt like I waited for years even though its just four days. The time we had together seems so short. I'm sorry because I can't control myself. I'm sorry for making everything so tired. I want to kill myself because everything seems so hard and terrible. Both mentally and physically drained.

I don't want to be that understanding sometimes. It's hard to be so strong. And I know life is going to throw more shit into my face. So, in general, fuck my bloody life. I want to kill myself. I really want to. I don't want to go through any of these anymore. I'm not good with byes, and what sort of shit goodbye. There's no such things as goodbye. Bloody hell.

Ah welll. what to do?! I'm so bloody frustrated. I don't know how to handle myself. I can't control. Urgh. Bloody shitty screwed up life. I don't want any hellos anymore. The byes are too hurtful. I can't handle anymore.

CNY.

I always dread CNY. It's a waste of time, having to greet people whom you see only once a year and they always ask about your results just so that they can show off.

The first day was shit ballz. Going back to Faith for service was the first bad thing. I got to see those people with that kind of eyesights and the messages they convey. Ya, they got the I look down on you and why are you here when you left look. The sermon was bad, and the preacher is so loud, my eyes was almost rotting. What else? To paternal grandma's place. We were the first because my parents insisted going to the 8.30am service which made me wake up so bloody early on a holiday. We did nothing, just a bit of catching up with a few close cousins. And my dad played mahjong. Wow. What a good Christian testimony and role model as father. I was angry. But I kept quiet unlike the past years. Then we went to my great grand uncle's place and lastly my maternal grandma's place. Relatives spoiling the mood here and there. It's going to be never ending if I go on grumbling. In a nut shell, I had a bloody angst spoilt day one.

Second day was not too bad. Slept in and went to my bf's place. Slacked the whole day off and went to auntie Veron's place after that. Got a culture shock there. Too many people. Out of my comfort zone. Too scary. The day didn't end that well. Went back late and I couldn't find my keys. Had to call mum to open the door for me. I knew I was going to get it. Kept quiet and cried to sleep. I cried in fear. I don't know what's wrong.

Today started badly. I woke up with a bad mood. I don't even know why. I didn't know how to explain. Sorry Samuel. I'm crying silently. No one cares anyways. Sigh.

I got the urge to kill.

I'll kill my father one day, just one day when I cannot take it anymore.

What did I do to get this? I just came home from my appointment at the polyclinic to get my x-ray report. Totally turned off to know that my dad is home. That lazy fucked ass. I did nothing, I didn't even go into the room or whatsoever. I stayed in the living room doing my own stuff.

Suddenly, he came out from the room and told me to eat medicine. I believed its because he heard me sneezing a few times or something. I answered with my usual, no. And he started screaming at me. Saying that I spend the most money going to the doctor and stuff I said I didn't even go to the doctor for the flu. Well. I didn't even let him know I went to the polyclinic. And then I got cursed for 15 minutes with his loud screaming. I hate him. I swear I hate him. He's a bloody useless father who thinks he has the rights to scream at anyone and he is forever correct.

It was his fault to give birth to me okay. It was his fault to bring me I the world. And I was so sickly from the day I was born. It was his bloody fault. I'll kick his balls, chop his penis and hope he falls as sick as me, as often as me to see how will he feel. He never understands how I feel. He has never stood in my shoes. I hate him. I swear I hate him.

:)

Happy beautiful world!

--Samuel Thng

Disappointed.

When can I learn to not carry hope in anyone but God? When will I learn how to not trust anyone? When will I stop taking their promises seriously?

Well... I'm disappointed in my father most. He only thinks for himself and when we disagree with him, he would say that we're all self-centered and don't put ourselves in his shoes. He's a father who never bothers buying gifts to reward, never bothers driving you anywhere unless you plead him many days before even though he has the taxi to himself. He's a father who has time to come out with all sort of excuses to sleep for hours and not go to work, but will never give the time to you. He's a father who doesn't keep up to his promises and act blur, telling you it's not within his ability. You can't do it, then you jolly well don't promise, no? What more its just an excuse.

This year has a few events which I was looking forward too. Yes, graduation. My sister and I are graduating this year and so, my parents promised a family trip to somewhere. Then my dad'd fellowship is planning to go hai nan dao this June which I most probably can't due to school. He started saying oh that bloody brainless Lao Shi is planning to go Vietnam for mission, he's planning to go for breakthrough's family camp this year end. Just because that bloody Lao Shi plans, he just follow blindly. Then what? What about his family? Us? Me? His promise? Our family trip? Yes, I agree that my family financial status will not allow us to go so many places in a year. Then why can't he give up one of those things that Lao Shi planned. He's just so inflexible. He follows blindly and the best thing is Lao shi's plan is always sucky.

Oh yes. Bye to the family trip. I'll just die here, stressed up without any breaks. They just won't allow me to go to any short trips like even Bangkok because he doesn't want to go and I am not allowed to go alone while my sister can get tickets to anywhere, as long as she likes it, she can go anywhere on her own.

All my daddy/parents care is my sister and playing the bloody iPad jackpot game. How vexing it is to be out with them and all they talk about is my sister? Just because I put in the effort to find time for them, I can be neglected. Or is it because I'm never good enough as compared to my sister, I can't make them as proud in terms of results?

I'm really tired in this house. I put up a strong front which leads to this? No one sees my world, what's true in my heart and what I always yearn for.

Anxiety

It's been the tough week. I'm fighting with myself and for myself. My hormones got me crazy. Anxiety issues. I almost killed myself.

Well. Monday was terrible. A terrible fight with my darling boy. Because we had miscommunications. I gave him shit loads of things because of my high-maintenance needs and I just couldn't overcome my own emotions. I felt so tire. I cried the hell out of me. I was so glad he communicated with me and came over. I cannot describe the feelings through word. It was the worst I've ever felt.

Ever since Monday, I haven't been doing well. I cried every single day. Feeling insecure and fearful. It was tough on my darling boy. He was by my side all these while, though not physically. He was assuring. He's so wonderful.

Menstruation came. With a bad cramp. My ovaries felt like they were exploding. Sigh. Thank God that presentation went well on Friday. We got full marks.

Sunday. Well. Pressurized. Pianist for Sunday school and the teacher forgot that she was leading the songs. She only gave me the songs like 1.40am. I couldn't practice at that timing. I went in by faith. Thank God it wasn't too bad. I then decided to crash the youth choir to see their progress. They were good for their standards but I thought I could help them a little to sound good, with my choir experience. I thought I was doing good but I made a mistake by doing so. I felt extra and I offended many because I'm not part of them and yet talk so much. Sigh. Just me being too sensitive or I really did wrong? I shouldn't be so helpful anymore.

It was also pressurizing with my darling's brother. He is so ego-centric and he doesn't understand lots of things. He just thinks that he's correct and Its so difficult to love him. I'm still struggling, trying and praying for this. He has comments in everything and he cannot be wrong. He flared up at his mother and his mother was saying that she thinks he has some disorder and stuff. I was explaining to her that I don't think it's a disorder and stuff, and he just assumes that we're talking bad about him. Well. He gave me a rude stare, I felt like slapping him but controlled. I guess no one else knew. It's just about sucking thumb when it comes to him. His mother shared that she cannt stand him and how pressurized she is because he cannot control his anger and stuff. Sigh.

Heartbreak.

Today was a no school day for me, but I didn't get any rest. I had to deal with my own emotions. I cried the whole day. I'm so cranky and drowsy.

Well, knowing me. I'm a high maintenance. I need to meet up with Samuel very often due to my strong attachment and separation anxiety. We decided to meet up today. I rushed my work and got angry at the Internet because its wasting ya elf. It kept losing connection. How frustrating. I told Samuel that. I thought we could meet each other earlier if I get things done earlier and meet up earlier so that we can go back earlier. I didn't made myself clear as well. We had a fight. He thinks that my attitude is wrong because I shouldn't get so frustrated. But he didn't know the intentions. I felt so upset, knowing that something is wrong with me again. But I didn't know his plan was to come to my place and give me a surprise.

He thought if I couldn't take it when we don't meet, he has to cancel our date today so that I gradually get used to it to prepare for his army days. Well... How heartbreaking was that. I threw a tantrum and pushed him away. I couldn't control myself. I cried. I cried for 1 hour and another when we were on the phone. I was thankful that he didn't give up on me. He told me he wanted to meet me
As much as I wanted. He came over to my place. We had the usual hugs but I just can't control my emotions.

I cried half the day, get cranky, cry more. Get headaches and drowsiness from it. It started crying at 2PM, its 10.30PM now and I still can stop. I don't know what's wrong with those suicidal thoughts and moodswings. I'm so fearful. I don't know anymore. I'm so upset. I didn't have appetite. I get scolded for it. I get more upset. It's all the vicious cycles. I'm so sick of all these.

I'm feeling so sorry because I was so demanding to meet up and stuff. I wasn't a good girlfriend hurrr. I can't help. I'm so anxious. I'm so emotional. I'm praying so hard. I'm so affected. I just can't stop crying.

Churches.

God? Are you there?

Its so discouraging and frustrating to get mind fucked about the choir thing. I mean fuck it luh. I explained before hand. And no one listens. Everyone doesn't understand what's my point. Oh yes. I'm the odd one out Kay.

Every churches are the same, aren't they? They have bloody bitches that wants to be bossy and rule you an acts to be holy and God-liked. And maybe I should stop going to church. I should. Because I don't feel God's love and I can't grow in an unsupportive environment.

I feel so betrayed by auntie Veron but I realized she's very superficial, fake, proud and bitchy. She reminds me of Joyce, which frustrates me.

I finally got Samuel to understand why it's a big matter. I'm really glad he's willing to sit down and solve this or at least talk it out with me. I'm so sorry for all the shit he's dealing with, all the crap I throw at him. I thank God for him.

Right or wrong?

I finally have the courage to reject something. Especially church things. I've never rejected any roles or responsibilities given, especially in church. In the past, when everyone asks me to do something, I'll definitely do it. Even if I'm burning at both ends, even when I am already very busy and stressed, I'll still do it. I felt so tired and discouraged, I lost the joy in serving. I served for the wrong purpose - because people ask me to do it and its hard to reject.

I spoke to my boyfriend about it. He scolds me whenever I picked up another responsibilities. He always remind me to know my limits. I remembered there was this time when my boyfriend's mother got so angry and nagged at my boyfriend about me because I told her I don't know how to reject. I have no courage to reject.

I slowly learn how to reject. This year, the youths are starting our own choir. I thought about it and prayed about it. With what happened during The week and everything, I feel so discouraged and I realized how burnt out I was. I mean, you see, I am a Sunday school pianist, teacher assistant, sometimes pianist or chairperson for youths. All these do clash together for certain weeks and I have to carry these three roles in a day. It gets a little too overwhelming, no? I've decided to not be part of the choir.

The adults, especially auntie Veron isn't very happy about it. I got lectured and pressurized. But look, my boyfriend's mother says I have to lean to reject. I was taught to find out about my strength and serve with my strength. Yes, I can sing, but its quite a tiring thing for me. Isn't it like days in Faith when I have to serve in all areas? I'm just afraid that I lose my purpose for serving again. But people, the adults, or auntie Veron specifically can't understand it. She always go back to the point -- a willing heart to serve. But... Aren't we taught to serve in our strength and not do everything? She said that its on a Sunday after fellowship and stuff, blah blah blah blah blah. But I am pretty sure I won't be carrying a positive heart. I'll definitely be very lethargic and tired. What should I do?

Why did I even think that people will understand or even empathize what im going through. Being in the last year of my academic with work and everything else. Can I still take on one more responsibility? Is whatever I'm doing right or wrong? I don't know anymore.

One of the unhappy Sundays I get. I hate being 'forced' or pressurized this way. Also, I can feel Daniel's nonsense coming back. Well. I'm so tired of all these. This week is so going to be a tough one without seeing my boyfriend for seven days straight and two deadlines.

Silence.

Silence became my loudest cry. The best way to react and act. I've no idea what's going to happen. It hurts so much while the tears kept flowing down. I'm screaming. I'm frustrated. I'm helpless. No one cares.

Shit.

I'm feeling worse than ever. Nothing seems to go well.

Firstly, knowing the English results just proves me that I'm dumb. HAAH. Retake and still get a B3. Time to be laughed at. Everyone around me telling me that I improved three grade within a year with no tutor, well, its good enough. Hey look, what's good? I can say that even an A is not good.

Secondly, the class got cancelled yesterday. Notification was given 25 minutes before class. How irritating. I hate last minute things and the fact that I was already reaching soon gave me more reasons to rage. The lecturer just postponed the lesson to today. What makes we think that everyone will leave it empty to wait for her to bomb something there.

Thirdly, I thought it would be more important to go to class and cancelled my piano lesson. Then I went through a big shit with my piano teacher just to get insulted and lectured because I cancelled this week's lesson and I have lesson very day next week. I decided to quit piano lesson and I got another insult from her. Well... Life. This is life. Laugh at that please. And now, my biggest dream is boomz. No more piano lesson. Can forget about my grade 8 already. Worse thing is, I ended up at home, cause too late to go to school, then I was too agitated, upset and awake to sleep. Sigh.

What now? It just hurts to know that I'm going through all these and my boyfriend is here to tell me that he will be busy next week and have to OT. WHATTTTT. I just can't accept. Because when he was so stressed up, thinking how to pay back the hours he owed due to church camp, the company went like oh, its in the contract that you have to work minimally how many hours and it doesn't count if you worked extra last month. Today, when he finally paid back the last four hours, they're here to say that he has to OT next week. Yes he is telling me that its him who is willing to work, okay can. Up to him. I know I'll just die alone in a corner. And then I'm told to be more understanding and supportive.

Who is there to be understanding and supportive towards me then? The shit that I am going through, I can just die.

Failure.

O levels results are going to be released on Thursday. Just two days from now. Why am I so scared? I'm feeling worse than how I felt during my O levels year.

Yep. I'm a failure because I didn't meet the MOE expectations, I have to retake my English. Last year, I was crying over the release of results and this year, I'm crying over the same thing. This year, I'm crying even louder inside.

Why? Then again, I asked why. Why am I made to take this exam, and face the results, having the fact that I'm dumb to be smacked into my face, directly. Why do i have to let the others define me by my results when it doesn't show anything about me? I have no confidence in my results, tell me how. Just because the people who sets the education expectations are the ones with PHD and they expects everyone to be as good as them. How unfair. Can they feel my pain? Can they?

Now, I am lost. I don't know how to face myself, my family, Sam, everyone. I don't want to go anywhere, including church. I want to hide in my own shell, my own comfort zone. I don't even want to face myself anymore.

Dance me.

Take me to the places on Earth that teach you how to dance,

The places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.

And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead, 

make my heart whole again and again.

Just take my hands and dance with me.

-The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Failure.

O levels results are going to be released on Thursday. Just two days from now. Why am I so scared? I'm feeling worse than how I felt during my O levels year.

Yep. I'm a failure because I didn't meet the MOE expectations, I have to retake my English. Last year, I was crying over the release of results and this year, I'm crying over the same thing. This year, I'm crying even louder inside.

Why? Then again, I asked why. Why am I made to take this exam, and face the results, having the fact that I'm dumb to be smacked into my face, directly. Why do i have to let the others define me by my results when it doesn't show anything about me? I have no confidence in my results, tell me how. Just because the people who sets the education expectations are the ones with PHD and they expects everyone to be as good as them. How unfair. Can they feel my pain? Can they?

Now, I am lost. I don't know how to face myself, my family, Sam, everyone. I don't want to go anywhere, including church. I want to hide in my own shell, my own comfort zone. I don't even want to face myself anymore.

Unique Sunday

Today was a little different from the other Sundays except for the oversleep part. I think my body is screwed, I can't seem to sleep at night am I can't stay awake in the day. Like wutttt.

We had our fellowship, first fellowship of the year. The usual camp effect, our numbers increased, praying hard it'll last or even increase throughout the year. I kinda screwed up my role as a pianist. Sigh. I wished I did better, perfect if possible.

Sam brought me to his bro(Jason)'s sister's birthday party. It felt weird at first. Was glad we were there quite late cause church ended late and the party somewhat ended. Jason's parents wasn't pressurizing at all, which was great. Had great chat with Jason and Sam. This is probably the first time I was brought to his friend's event. It felt as though we were married. HAHA. I can't wait to hug my horny boyfriend everyday. I'm missing him already!!

Anyways, I am having this frustration. I want to get all that I want, which I know I can't. Sigh. I feel so tired and down. I need a break. I'm so glad he's by my side to pull me through. Makes everything more bearable.

Lost.

Two teachers whom I worked with and depended on left. The year has just started and I'm so worried about this year's practicum. I wonder if there's anyone who can help me. I have no confidence in my early childhood journey and bethel. HELP!

School hasn't been great as well. It just started, I know, I know. The group had issues with Hannah due to different working styles, they decided to exclude her for our new assignment. She's still a friend of mine, but I wonder if she cursed me for this. I'm so worried for her, and us, I hope things will be fine.

Hello 2013.

2013... Well. I'm dreading for this new year. There'll be many changes.

Me being me, I'm scared of changes. I don't adapt well and I don't like stepping out of my own comfort zone. My biggest fear will be Sam's enlistment. I'm pretty sure I'll miss him. What am I suppose to do when I'm lonely, when i need someone to hug me, to assure me when I'm struggling.... Sigh. Worried. From the unpleasant experience with Sek previously, I don't trust myself, I'm very negative about this. I makes me tears whenever I think about it.

On a side note, it was a great stayover with some youths at boyfriend's place even though it was so simple and we were practically doing nothing most of the time. Our first countdown, I'm loving it.