A little jealousy

I do realized I get jealous easily these days. I had to urge to tie Sam up and put him into my pocket. He's just so precious to me, there's none like him out there. I'm so scared of losing him. It makes me jump inside even when he ask if another person if she is okay. what's wrong with me?!

A little different this year: Christmas!

This year's christmas is a little different from the past. It's been so long since I looked forward to Christmas. It was my first Christmas party with Samuel. My first Christmas with him. There were some irritating bloody bastards who made it not so good, but I'm still quite glad. I don't quite want it to end, but not to worry, more celebrations to come for the new year!

Busy holiday.

What a busy, eventful week. Just came back from our church camp, Desaru Pulai. It was our first time going overseas together. It was great experience, I must say though it wasn't a honeymoon kind of holiday. I am pretty proud of myself as the response from the camp was very good. I'm sure everyone is proud of the youths. I'm praying that the spirit will be brought back to Singapore and it will last. We had a last minute decision to extend our vacation @ Austin Hill with auntie Veron. It was simple, relaxing.

I was very pampered, I must say. Boyfriend's mother was taking good care of me when I had fever, his father came to my place to pick me up and drove me in for the camp, he was 24/7 there for me even though we couldn't do much. Look, who else can be as blessed as me!? No one, duh~

家?

每个人相拥有的家庭应该是热热闹闹，开开心心的吧。

我有一个像陌生人一般的姐姐，一个霸道，大声，永远都是对的父亲，一个永远受伤害，付出很多的母亲。

我，是家里最怪的一个，孤独的一个。爱，我不会表达。怒，我没资格。喜，都很短展。哀，就不用说了。

当父母吵架时，永远只有我这个“旁观者”在场，永远只有我，害怕地承担。胆小的我，有时真的很想离开。

从小教导我如何用神，用起初的爱来爱的人，却是那个在家里最霸道，骂人最大声的。要我如何去学？有时，都不想去听，去相信。我所看到的是所被教导的反义词。

Normal.

"The truth is we all get tired, we all get weary. In fact, if you never feel like giving up, then your dreams are too small. If you never feel like quitting, then you need to set some larger goals. When that pressure comes to get discouraged and to think about how you can’t take it anymore, that is completely normal. Every person feels that way at times."

At  least I know what I'm feeling is not too abnormal.

Want.

I want one more night.
I want to sleep next to you.
I want to feel your heartbeat.
I want your head on my chest and my arms around you.
I want to feel your skin against mine.
I want to to feel your cute, soft lips.
I want to kiss you on your forehead.
I want to lock your hand to mine.
I want to stare you, and take note of all the small details.
I want to cling on you like a koala bear, and hug you tightly like a big bear.
I want you, all by my side.
I really miss you, badly. </3!

Lord, I need you.

Lord I Need You

By Ron Hamilton

Sometimes when life seems gentle and blessings flood my way,
I turn my gaze away from You and soon forget to pray.
But when the sky grows darker and courage turns to fear,
My anxious voice cries upward with words you long to hear.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm. 
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong. 
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.

Lord, help me to remember I’m weak but You are strong.
I cannot sing apart from You, for Lord You are my song.
Although I’m prone to wander and boast in all I do;
Lord keep my eyes turned upward so I depend on You.

Lord, I need You when the sea of life is calm. 
O Lord, I need You when the wind is blowing strong. 
Whether trials come or cease, keep me always on my knees.
Lord, I need You. Lord I need You.

End.

"Everything will be fine in the end. If it's not, it means that you're not yet at the end."

My dear boy shared this with me today. It did touch my heart. -Reflects-

委屈

这些委屈，我受够了
问题永远都出在我身上
我不想再在乎这一切，因我的存在是最大的问题
如果我有选择的余地，我不会让自己有在这里生存的机会
我累了

The Frustrations.

I’m raging at the frustrating plan. The plan that I can’t understand. I’m frustrated. I can’t see why. I don’t understand. And I can’t get what I want. I’m frustrated because it hurts so much feeling so far apart from him, being lonely. Crying like there’s no tomorrow and no one cares. 
It’s frustrating how people don’t understand, how people can’t see and feel what’s going on in you. 
I’m just gonna give up. I just can’t let go despite being tired. I can’t because I want it, it’s tiring, it hurts but I’m still holding onto him. I don’t know why. Knowing that I will only bring troubles and something like that, I’m not good enough, I have to be selfish and hold onto him so tightly. 
It’s hurting so badly, I just want to kill myself.

我的心都碎了，你不知道

我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
我的心都碎了，你不知道
你不知道

No one seems to understand. It's so hard to fight, and he just don't seems to get it. He gets so frustrated because he can't understand why I am feeling this way. It's so hard to express myself. No one understand.s

Sorry. ):

"我道歉，不是因为我承认我的错而你没错。我道歉，是因为我在乎，在乎我们之间的感情 "

The escape.

Drifting through the shadow of my life
Running pass the pain that held me so tight 
Closing away From the floods of thy sins 
Gliding free from the bosoms of cries 
But I realised how Can I go
If I’m tied Away by faith.

LOVE

I've decided to get into a relationship.
I'm in love with this boy whom I didn't dare to love for the past few years. He finally proposed, and I agreed. Well.. No words can express my feelings. I believe I won't feel so empty anymore.

I'm planting our relationship on Christ's love. His words as our foundation, guide and suppose. I thank Him for putting this lovely boy in my life. :)

Screwed.Up.

I lost control of my own emotions why I saw the message from MOE. What a way to start the day. I didn't get into ECH, NP. I sort of expected it, but I couldn't help to feel disappointed. I cried so loudly, like a kid. I got so frustrated, why can't I control my life fully and get what I want. My mum got so worried, she thought I might commit suicide and she took urgent halfday leave. I'm so glad she was there to help me, we rushed down to SEED Institute to do my application immediately. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping that I got it.

The day felt so long when it was only afternoon. I had no mood for anything, but I had to drag myself out because I met Ashley and Samuel. I was still pretty worried, like how awkward will things turn out. I put on a fake mask, and smiled my way to NP, the place that causes the wound today. Ashley forgot that she was suppose to have some family thingy and pangseh-ed Sam and I. I was secretly smiling inside (The first good thing that happened.). Well. He seemed to be avoiding me previously, and I miss talking to a nice friend, or maybe i do feel something for me? I don't know. But I've sek, and I myself is confused. I wonder if Sek is just a shelter for me to go to when I need someone.

He asked if I cried, he realized my eyes were swollen. At that point of time, I was touched, I was holding my tears in, I swear I tried really hard, I almost died holding in. I took the advantage to lean on him during our movie. I needed some comfort.

iCried

iCried.
I thought I ran out of tears because I cried for the past 5 days, but I couldn't help but to burst into tears when I looked at my results.
I don't know how to face myself anymore....

O Levels Results

Well.. Results are going to be released tomorrow. I am feeling very negative about it.
I must be crazy. I cried about it for the past 5 days, telling my mother how fearful I am, I just can't bring myself to face the results, to face myself.

Let me tell you how much I hate the education system in Singapore. Firstly, I'm forced to take the exams. Secondly, I'm forced to face the results I get. Thirdly, I've to be defined by the results. Oh look, LOOK, it's so unfair, isn't it? I'm going to be labelled as 'useless', 'stupid' and all other negative words because I won't do well. I'm never good in exams, and that's it. FML.

BYE. ):

每个人都是生命力的过客，他们不能永远在我们的生命力出现.就算是最亲爱的人，父母，还是朋友，他们都会因为一些原因而离我们而去.世上没不散筵席，事情重会过去.不要因他们的离开而感到沮丧，因为我们曾经拥有，那就已经够了.虽然都已成了’历史’,但我满足,因为至少有这个会议藏在我心里.