I'm feeling worse than ever. Nothing seems to go well.
Firstly, knowing the English results just proves me that I'm dumb. HAAH. Retake and still get a B3. Time to be laughed at. Everyone around me telling me that I improved three grade within a year with no tutor, well, its good enough. Hey look, what's good? I can say that even an A is not good.
Secondly, the class got cancelled yesterday. Notification was given 25 minutes before class. How irritating. I hate last minute things and the fact that I was already reaching soon gave me more reasons to rage. The lecturer just postponed the lesson to today. What makes we think that everyone will leave it empty to wait for her to bomb something there.
Thirdly, I thought it would be more important to go to class and cancelled my piano lesson. Then I went through a big shit with my piano teacher just to get insulted and lectured because I cancelled this week's lesson and I have lesson very day next week. I decided to quit piano lesson and I got another insult from her. Well... Life. This is life. Laugh at that please. And now, my biggest dream is boomz. No more piano lesson. Can forget about my grade 8 already. Worse thing is, I ended up at home, cause too late to go to school, then I was too agitated, upset and awake to sleep. Sigh.
What now? It just hurts to know that I'm going through all these and my boyfriend is here to tell me that he will be busy next week and have to OT. WHATTTTT. I just can't accept. Because when he was so stressed up, thinking how to pay back the hours he owed due to church camp, the company went like oh, its in the contract that you have to work minimally how many hours and it doesn't count if you worked extra last month. Today, when he finally paid back the last four hours, they're here to say that he has to OT next week. Yes he is telling me that its him who is willing to work, okay can. Up to him. I know I'll just die alone in a corner. And then I'm told to be more understanding and supportive.
Who is there to be understanding and supportive towards me then? The shit that I am going through, I can just die.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Failure.
O levels results are going to be released on Thursday. Just two days from now. Why am I so scared? I'm feeling worse than how I felt during my O levels year.
Yep. I'm a failure because I didn't meet the MOE expectations, I have to retake my English. Last year, I was crying over the release of results and this year, I'm crying over the same thing. This year, I'm crying even louder inside.
Why? Then again, I asked why. Why am I made to take this exam, and face the results, having the fact that I'm dumb to be smacked into my face, directly. Why do i have to let the others define me by my results when it doesn't show anything about me? I have no confidence in my results, tell me how. Just because the people who sets the education expectations are the ones with PHD and they expects everyone to be as good as them. How unfair. Can they feel my pain? Can they?
Now, I am lost. I don't know how to face myself, my family, Sam, everyone. I don't want to go anywhere, including church. I want to hide in my own shell, my own comfort zone. I don't even want to face myself anymore.
Yep. I'm a failure because I didn't meet the MOE expectations, I have to retake my English. Last year, I was crying over the release of results and this year, I'm crying over the same thing. This year, I'm crying even louder inside.
Why? Then again, I asked why. Why am I made to take this exam, and face the results, having the fact that I'm dumb to be smacked into my face, directly. Why do i have to let the others define me by my results when it doesn't show anything about me? I have no confidence in my results, tell me how. Just because the people who sets the education expectations are the ones with PHD and they expects everyone to be as good as them. How unfair. Can they feel my pain? Can they?
Now, I am lost. I don't know how to face myself, my family, Sam, everyone. I don't want to go anywhere, including church. I want to hide in my own shell, my own comfort zone. I don't even want to face myself anymore.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Dance me.
Take me to the places on Earth that teach you how to dance,
The places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead,
make my heart whole again and again.
Just take my hands and dance with me.
-The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Failure.
O levels results are going to be released on Thursday. Just two days from now. Why am I so scared? I'm feeling worse than how I felt during my O levels year.
Yep. I'm a failure because I didn't meet the MOE expectations, I have to retake my English. Last year, I was crying over the release of results and this year, I'm crying over the same thing. This year, I'm crying even louder inside.
Why? Then again, I asked why. Why am I made to take this exam, and face the results, having the fact that I'm dumb to be smacked into my face, directly. Why do i have to let the others define me by my results when it doesn't show anything about me? I have no confidence in my results, tell me how. Just because the people who sets the education expectations are the ones with PHD and they expects everyone to be as good as them. How unfair. Can they feel my pain? Can they?
Now, I am lost. I don't know how to face myself, my family, Sam, everyone. I don't want to go anywhere, including church. I want to hide in my own shell, my own comfort zone. I don't even want to face myself anymore.
Yep. I'm a failure because I didn't meet the MOE expectations, I have to retake my English. Last year, I was crying over the release of results and this year, I'm crying over the same thing. This year, I'm crying even louder inside.
Why? Then again, I asked why. Why am I made to take this exam, and face the results, having the fact that I'm dumb to be smacked into my face, directly. Why do i have to let the others define me by my results when it doesn't show anything about me? I have no confidence in my results, tell me how. Just because the people who sets the education expectations are the ones with PHD and they expects everyone to be as good as them. How unfair. Can they feel my pain? Can they?
Now, I am lost. I don't know how to face myself, my family, Sam, everyone. I don't want to go anywhere, including church. I want to hide in my own shell, my own comfort zone. I don't even want to face myself anymore.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Unique Sunday
Today was a little different from the other Sundays except for the oversleep part. I think my body is screwed, I can't seem to sleep at night am I can't stay awake in the day. Like wutttt.
We had our fellowship, first fellowship of the year. The usual camp effect, our numbers increased, praying hard it'll last or even increase throughout the year. I kinda screwed up my role as a pianist. Sigh. I wished I did better, perfect if possible.
Sam brought me to his bro(Jason)'s sister's birthday party. It felt weird at first. Was glad we were there quite late cause church ended late and the party somewhat ended. Jason's parents wasn't pressurizing at all, which was great. Had great chat with Jason and Sam. This is probably the first time I was brought to his friend's event. It felt as though we were married. HAHA. I can't wait to hug my horny boyfriend everyday. I'm missing him already!!
Anyways, I am having this frustration. I want to get all that I want, which I know I can't. Sigh. I feel so tired and down. I need a break. I'm so glad he's by my side to pull me through. Makes everything more bearable.
We had our fellowship, first fellowship of the year. The usual camp effect, our numbers increased, praying hard it'll last or even increase throughout the year. I kinda screwed up my role as a pianist. Sigh. I wished I did better, perfect if possible.
Sam brought me to his bro(Jason)'s sister's birthday party. It felt weird at first. Was glad we were there quite late cause church ended late and the party somewhat ended. Jason's parents wasn't pressurizing at all, which was great. Had great chat with Jason and Sam. This is probably the first time I was brought to his friend's event. It felt as though we were married. HAHA. I can't wait to hug my horny boyfriend everyday. I'm missing him already!!
Anyways, I am having this frustration. I want to get all that I want, which I know I can't. Sigh. I feel so tired and down. I need a break. I'm so glad he's by my side to pull me through. Makes everything more bearable.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Lost.
Two teachers whom I worked with and depended on left. The year has just started and I'm so worried about this year's practicum. I wonder if there's anyone who can help me. I have no confidence in my early childhood journey and bethel. HELP!
School hasn't been great as well. It just started, I know, I know. The group had issues with Hannah due to different working styles, they decided to exclude her for our new assignment. She's still a friend of mine, but I wonder if she cursed me for this. I'm so worried for her, and us, I hope things will be fine.
School hasn't been great as well. It just started, I know, I know. The group had issues with Hannah due to different working styles, they decided to exclude her for our new assignment. She's still a friend of mine, but I wonder if she cursed me for this. I'm so worried for her, and us, I hope things will be fine.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Hello 2013.
2013... Well. I'm dreading for this new year. There'll be many changes.
Me being me, I'm scared of changes. I don't adapt well and I don't like stepping out of my own comfort zone. My biggest fear will be Sam's enlistment. I'm pretty sure I'll miss him. What am I suppose to do when I'm lonely, when i need someone to hug me, to assure me when I'm struggling.... Sigh. Worried. From the unpleasant experience with Sek previously, I don't trust myself, I'm very negative about this. I makes me tears whenever I think about it.
On a side note, it was a great stayover with some youths at boyfriend's place even though it was so simple and we were practically doing nothing most of the time. Our first countdown, I'm loving it.
Me being me, I'm scared of changes. I don't adapt well and I don't like stepping out of my own comfort zone. My biggest fear will be Sam's enlistment. I'm pretty sure I'll miss him. What am I suppose to do when I'm lonely, when i need someone to hug me, to assure me when I'm struggling.... Sigh. Worried. From the unpleasant experience with Sek previously, I don't trust myself, I'm very negative about this. I makes me tears whenever I think about it.
On a side note, it was a great stayover with some youths at boyfriend's place even though it was so simple and we were practically doing nothing most of the time. Our first countdown, I'm loving it.
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