Heartbreak.

Today was a no school day for me, but I didn't get any rest. I had to deal with my own emotions. I cried the whole day. I'm so cranky and drowsy.

Well, knowing me. I'm a high maintenance. I need to meet up with Samuel very often due to my strong attachment and separation anxiety. We decided to meet up today. I rushed my work and got angry at the Internet because its wasting ya elf. It kept losing connection. How frustrating. I told Samuel that. I thought we could meet each other earlier if I get things done earlier and meet up earlier so that we can go back earlier. I didn't made myself clear as well. We had a fight. He thinks that my attitude is wrong because I shouldn't get so frustrated. But he didn't know the intentions. I felt so upset, knowing that something is wrong with me again. But I didn't know his plan was to come to my place and give me a surprise.

He thought if I couldn't take it when we don't meet, he has to cancel our date today so that I gradually get used to it to prepare for his army days. Well... How heartbreaking was that. I threw a tantrum and pushed him away. I couldn't control myself. I cried. I cried for 1 hour and another when we were on the phone. I was thankful that he didn't give up on me. He told me he wanted to meet me
As much as I wanted. He came over to my place. We had the usual hugs but I just can't control my emotions.

I cried half the day, get cranky, cry more. Get headaches and drowsiness from it. It started crying at 2PM, its 10.30PM now and I still can stop. I don't know what's wrong with those suicidal thoughts and moodswings. I'm so fearful. I don't know anymore. I'm so upset. I didn't have appetite. I get scolded for it. I get more upset. It's all the vicious cycles. I'm so sick of all these.

I'm feeling so sorry because I was so demanding to meet up and stuff. I wasn't a good girlfriend hurrr. I can't help. I'm so anxious. I'm so emotional. I'm praying so hard. I'm so affected. I just can't stop crying.